STUDENT Peter Wong sent me a recent news cutting about a 78-year-old woman who beat up her 84-year-old husband. The AP report said: “A witness told police the woman admitted assaulting her husband, including kicking him three times in the groin, because he had an affair 35 years ago.”
Peter said: “Isn’t 35 years rather a long time to wait to kick somebody?”
It may seem like it, Peter, but clearly you haven’t had much experience with women. They have astonishing powers of recall, far greater than humans.
Married men will know what I mean. Somebody appears on television, for example, and you make a seemingly innocuous comment, such as: “Madonna looks good for 50, don’t you think?”
There will be a moment of silence as the wife clicks back through her 5,000-terabyte memory dump.
Then she will say: “Ah, but you said, 13 years ago, on the way back from the supermarket, on a rainy Tuesday afternoon, at 4.27pm, limping slightly because of your new shoes, that you thought her bottom was bigger than mine.”
What is the right response to this? The only correct answer is to nod vigorously and agree with her. (Actually, this is the only response to everything your wife says.) “Yes, honey, you’re quite right, I did say that, and it’s still true.”
Peter, here’s some advice. Never, never dispute anything your woman claims to remember, even if it is patently obvious that she has imagined the whole thing.
A buddy of mine was once asked by his girlfriend: “Do you still love me as much as you did at 10.34am on the second Wednesday of our first trekking holiday in Nepal?”
He replied: “It must have been someone else. I’ve never been to Nepal.”
Wrong answer! Within days, he had been kicked out.
The correct answer would have been: “Yes darling, I’m sure you’re right. I can’t remember ever going to Nepal, which surely means the two of us visited it in a previous life.”
Her eyes will fill with tears as she is deeply moved by your high level of spirituality and self-awareness. She will then agree to any command you give.
Why can’t men remember the promises they made five years ago? Or even, let’s face it, earlier the same day?
I once asked a top doctor this question (actually, he was a hospital orderly, more or less the same thing) and he explained it in medical terms.
Men only have a small amount of blood, and it’s not enough to power multiple organs at once. If the brain is working, everything else stops.
If another major organ is using the blood supply, the brain grinds to a halt.
This explains why any man approached by an attractive woman will say extremely stupid things, babbling like a toddler.
Factor in our limited memory capacity and you begin to understand the challenges of being male.
The only way men can function is to auto-delete irrelevant data such as “the loo roll needs changing” or “I am married”, to ensure there is enough memory capacity for the really important stuff, such as who scored the winning goal in the 1978 football semi-finals.
You gotta have priorities, men.
Ladies: you may now kick your husband.
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