The story about woodpeckers......

Linundus received the following story from one of its ardent readers, which might explain why we have poor tourist arrivals to our country as compared to many other neighboring counties.

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by all woodpeckers worldwide.) The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the trees in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion that apparentlyTiger Woods was right when he said, "your pecker gets harder when you're away from home."

Comments by the reader …

Now you know why tourism is big big business nowadays. It's all about getting your pecker away from home isn't it? By the same token, the country that can make the pecker harder draws more tourists to it than the others. That is why tourist arrivals to our country is abysmal as compared to many other countries, even though our government tried to delude us by claiming tourists are coming here in large numbers.

Twelve pound nugget of gold!

You would probably have come across this piece sometime & somewhere in the past. But no harm in re-reposting it! Have a good & safe day! - Idrus al-Haj.

A husband and wife both were very happy over the twelve pound baby boy that was born to them. Mr. Brown who could not conceal his delight, called up the editor of a famous newspaper and reported that he became the proud owner of a twelve pound nugget of gold.

The editor upon hearing the seemingly extraordinary news was rather hesitant to accept it at its face value. So he sent his star reporter to interview Mr. Brown. When the reporter came, Mr. Brown was away and his wife was alone at home.

The following interesting conversation took place between the reporter and Mrs. Brown:

Reporter : Does Mr. Brown Live here?

Mrs. Brown : Oh! Yes.

Reporter : Is he in?

Mrs. Brown : Why no, he went somewhere.

Reporter : Is it true that he owns a twelve pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown : (Seeing the joke) Yes, indeed.

Reporter : Can I see the place where he found it?

Mrs. Brown : I am afraid, not because Mr. Brown objects in as much as it is strictly private.

Reporter : Is the place far?

Mrs. Brown : No, it is quite near and convenient.

Reporter : How many years has Mr. Brown been digging the hole?

Mrs. Brown : Just for about ten months.

Reporter : Is the hole deep?

Mrs. Brown : Quite so...

Reporter : Has Mr. Brown reached the bottom of it?

Mrs. Brown : Not yet, but he is coming near...

Reporter : At about what time does Mr. Brown starts digging?

Mrs. Brown : Oh, he does his digging mostly at night.

Reporter : Does he work hard on it?

Mrs. Brown : You bet... and how he perspires.

Reporter : Is Mr. Brown the first to dig?

Mrs. Brown : He thought he was...

Reporter : How do you know there was someone ahead of him?

Mrs. Brown : I am in a good position to say so, because I own the place.

Reporter : Oh, I see, but you sold the place to Mr. Brown?

Mrs. Brown : No, but for the present, he has the legal title to the site, with my consent. Reporter : Has Mr. Brown any helper when he works on the claim?

Mrs. Brown : Yes, I work under him...

Reporter : When do you think Mr. Brown will sell the place?

Mrs. Brown : I think not because he enjoys working on it.

Reporter : Can I see the twelve pound nugget of gold?

Mrs. Brown : Yes, certainly (and she showed him the twelve pound baby boy :-)

The Reporter fainted!

You can’t be naked at home

Yes, you can be fined for changing your clothes in your apartment

A COURT FOUND a taxi driver guilty of being naked in his own home, I heard from a reader in Singapore.

Chua Hok Hin, aged 56, was in his kitchen when his neighbours saw him in an unclothed state through his kitchen window. He was taken to court and fined S$2,600.

READ MORE HERE

Jacko meets Elvis

Who is the king? Or are both contenders surprisingly similar?

SCOOP! TODAY WE BRING you an exclusive report from The Afterlife.

The scene: a quiet street in a swish suburb of heaven assigned to music stars. A big house is topped with a neon sign which says “The King”.

In the front garden, a chubby man in his early forties is watering his plants and singing to himself: “Since mah baby lef’ me. I found a noo place ta go.”

He looks up as a thin man with lank black hair appears, moonwalking along the pavements.

The newcomer points to the sign with his white-gloved hand. “I see you guys prepared a house for me,” he says.

“Sorry, bud,” says the stocky homeowner. “There’s only room fer one king round here. And that’s me.”

The thin man looks aggrieved. “But I’m the king of pop. I sold hundreds of millions of albums.”

The chubby man replies: “Ah sold a billion.”

The thin man twitches nervously. He thinks about moving on but then looks again at the word “king” in neon letters. He decides to fight for it. Making stabbing motions with his gloved hand, he launches into an argument. “You need more than album sales, you need the full rock star package. That’s what I had. I was totally eccentric and lived in a big mansion filled with bizarre mementoes. And I was as famous for my hot moves as my singing. Now that’s a rock star.” He does a quick moonwalk on the pavement to demonstrate.

Elvis (for it is he) replies: “You’re a mime?”

The other man is furious. “I am not a mime.”

“That ‘dance’ is jes’ lesson one, normal walking, for any mime. And that white face. Ah jes’ thought….”

“I am the total rock star package,” the thin one repeats.

Elvis puts down his watering can. “Ah had all that stuff too. Mah mansion was called Graceland. And mah dancing was so hot they weren’t allowed to show mah hips on TV. So ah think ah’ll jes’ keep mah title if you don’t mind.”

The thin man is determined now, and he isn’t giving up without a fight. “The mansion and the cool moves were just the start. The main thing is that you gotta be baaad, know what I’m saying? I always talked about moral values, but wasted my fortune on junk. I was worth a billion dollars and ended up owing people money. Ah spent four million dollars just on statues.”

Elvis, 42, replies: “Ah did ‘xactly the same thing. Wasted a huge fortune on junk. Maybe me and you is twins.”

The newcomer, 50, is clearly taken aback. “I’m sure I was badder than you,” he insists, although he is starting to sound unsure of himself. “I was addicted to drugs. My favourite was Demerol. When I died, first they said it was a heart attack, and then they said it was probably Demerol.”

Elvis scratches his head. “Now that’s weird. Ah was also addicted to drugs. When Ah died, they said it was a heart attack, and then they blamed Demerol. Ah died jus’ before startin’ a new concert series.”

“So did I,” says the thin man. “But I’m telling you, there was no way you were as bad as I was. I got in trouble over my interest in underage fans. Now that’s really baaaad.”

Elvis shakes his head. “Sorry, mistah, you ain’t badder than me. Ah also liked the young ones. Ask a 14-year-old gal called Priscilla. Check out mah biographies.” The King tilts his head to one side and looks puzzled. “But there’s one thing ah’m suspicious of. Pop stars are usually good lookin’. I hope you don’t mind me saying this, but you are one mighty weird-looking fella.”

The thin man nods sadly. “Yeah. I used to be young and freshfaced and nice-looking. But I lost my looks as I got older. It was my own fault.”

Elvis nods. “Same story with me. Ah had ever’thing in life when ah was alive, ‘xcept for one thing: a buddy.”

The newcomer agrees. “Me too. Wanna drink?”

“Sure.”

“Can we get Demerol round here?”

Elvis puts his arm around the thin man’s shoulders. “Buddy, we’re in heaven now. You don’t need it.”

Courtesy from: THE CURIOUS DIARY OF MR JAM

Worth A Thousand Words

We've heard reports about Masses and devotions being cancelled in Mexico as swine flu fears grow. This seems to be the sort of situations where even the saint's Statue needs the protection of a face mask.

Noah and the Ark

The Noah & the Ark in the Malaysian context. Interesting analogy on how the Malaysian system can derail the construction of the Ark. Even God has to postpone, or should I say cancel, its plan.- DJJG

Artist's representation, based on the Biblical account, of Noah's ark landing on Mt. Ararat after 40 days and nights of rain.

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Malaysia, and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans”.

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights”.

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard but no Ark.

“Noah”! He roared,” I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark ?

“Forgive me, Lord”, begged Noah, “but things have changed”.

“First I need to have a BUMIPUTRA PARTNER who is linked to UMNO then I needed a building permit from DBKL and also have to pay under counter money to get the permit”.

“Then I've been arguing with the BOMBA inspector about the need for a sprinkler system”.

“My neighbours complained to The Malay Mail of the height of the ark I was going to build and the next day it was in the headlines claiming that I've violated the neighbourhood building by-laws that my Ark is exceeding the height limitations. I appealed to the magistrate and it was approved”.

“The Opposition took advantage of the situation and said I was a government crony and did nasty things with my face In the Internet I don’t know how they superimposed my face on a naked body with naked MP’s and portrayed it on the U TUBE. Oh Lord you are the all knowing and I did not take the photos of the MP”.

“Then there was another stop work order even before I could start work. The Badan Cegah Rasuah arrested me for pornography”.

“I talked to a lawyer who looks like Ambitah Bachan talk like him Acts like him but is not him ...said he knows the Chief Justice and the Prime Minister the Apa ..nama ...and can clear my name but I have to buy them tickets to Austrilia”.

“After clearing my name ...I had to again go to the DBKL Appeal Board for a decision to allow me to build the Ark”.

“Then government after approving the plans said I must use only SIRIM approved goods and must buy from their list of CLASS F contractors which are 15 times more expensive than the china man hardware shop”.

“Then the TNB and JPJ demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark to be moved to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us but they would hear nothing of it”.

“Getting the wood was another problem. SUKHAM and the JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA said There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the orang utan”.

“I tried to convince SUKHAM and JABATAN HUTAN NEGARA that I needed the wood to save the orang hutan – but they said no go”.

“When I started gathering the animals, JAKIM and an Animal rights group sued me. JAKIM said I cannot put the chickens and the pigs next to each other as it WILL NOT BE CONSIDERED HALAL and The animal group insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space”.

“Then JABATAN KERJA RAYA AND JABATAN KAJIAN dan GALIAN ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted An environmental impact study on your proposed flood”.

“I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many bumiputra contractors I'm supposed to hire for my building crew”.

“JABATAN IMMIGRASI and RELA are checking the status of most of the people who want to work”.

“The trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark-building experience”.

“As I started to CLEAR THE AREA TO BUILD THE ARK 6 gangsters came and demanded for protection money. And said they will control the area for selling of drugs and prostitution to my workers”.

“When I complained to the POLIS, the next day the IGP of POLIS sent an ASP who came in full uniform unfortunately he also happens to be one from the six gangsters who were demanding protection money and doubled my protection fee”.

“Then there was a by election and I was forced to be an UMNO member to get my permits approved and made to pay a donation by the Barisan Candidate in the so called spirit of MUHIBBAH. Otherwise he will make my life difficult when I did not as I was already your member …”.

“Every department I turn to is asking what they call “Kopi Wang”.

“I calculated that if I had to pay all the so called “Kopi wang” and give the donation the cost to build the ARK will be 20 times higher… I refused to give them the Kopi Wang as I am faithful to you, Oh Lord”. “Then some top level politicians were very disappointed with me for not giving donations and called me a murtad but I told them my name is Noah, not murtad. They got very angry and said they have connections”.

“Suddenly I am a suspect behind the murder of the Mongolian lady because the place where she was murdered happens to be on the land where I am going to make the Ark and was arrested”.

“To make matters worse, the Jabatan HASIL seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. I have just been released from ISA”.

“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark”.

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you're not going to destroy the world?”

'No,' said the Lord.

'The Malaysian Government beat me to it!'

Noah’s Ark Uncovered?

Once upon a time, the Black Sea was actually a large freshwater lake. Then came the end of the last ice age. Under rapid climactic warming, glaciers began to melt quickly. Subsequently, the world’s oceans and seas started to rise. Around 5,600 BC, it is believed that the Mediterranean Sea broke through a land “dam” at present-day Istanbul, creating the short and narrow (about one-mile wide) Bosporus Strait and allowing vast amounts of seawater to flow into the previously fresh waters of the Black Sea. Carbon-14 radio-dating methods support this viewpoint.

READ MORE HERE ON NOAH and THE ARK.